This week in bestsellers

Joel Osteen has written another book. It’s called Become a Better You: 7 Keys to Improving Your Life Every Day, and it’s #2 right now—it premiered last week at #1, but got bumped by the forensic gloom of Patricia Cornwell.

For those of you that may not be up on all the hottest religious bestsellers, Osteen penned the previous (and, actually, current) smash Your Best Life Now. It is exactly what you would think it would be: an extended, heartfelt pep talk by the most frenetically happy Jesus freak in America.

I kinda like ol’ Joel. He may be a little crazy, and he kind of looks like a flesh-eating serial killer, but he’s definitely the nicest of the hardcore Christian authors.

Still, if Your Best Life Now is any indication, I’d wager that Become a Better You has about as much substance as a cheeto. With any luck we’ll get some more lovable, nutty pronouncements about how believing in Jesus will get you better parking spaces.

Eat, Pray, Love is still riding high at #3. Should I read it? This book fills me with dread. I’m not sure why.

Still, I’d rather read that than #9, The Wisdom of Menopause, or, as I like to call it, The Revenge of the Earth Mothers. Actually I have no problem with the book itself, which seems to be medically based, but this title! God! It manages to be both manipulative and patronizing.

The anxious menopausal, however, clearly did not notice. But then, I’m sure many women love the implication that “wisdom” is automatically part of the deal, that “the change” is some sort of swap meet where you hand over your fertility in exchange for enlightenment.

Now anybody who’s ever met a clueless old lady knows that that ain’t true.

But I just know that this book will stay a bestseller for the next thousand weeks and I’m going to have to read it. Why? Karma. I actually found The Wisdom of Menopause on my mom’s shelf a few years ago and teased her so relentlessly that my punishment will surely be having to read it. And then I’ll have to write The Wisdom of The Wisdom of Menopause.

And if that title isn’t bad enough for you, this week’s list also featured such compelling monikers as What’s So Great About Christianity (apparently not sarcastic) at #62 and The Dangers of Deceiving a Viscount at #42. What are the worst book titles you’ve ever heard? Post them and entertain me!

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